"All
alone in the moonlight. I can smile at the old days. I was beautiful
then."
Sorry
for some reason I couldn't help myself. I've never even seen that musical and I
think cats (as in felis catus) are lame. Sorry cat people. I'm a dog person. Okay I'm going
to stop being tangential and get to the point: memories and memory in general.
Mine is declining and I have to say I'm not a fan.
I was diagnosed in 2011 but have exhibited symptoms longer than
that. I'd like to write more about my journey from the beginning but my memory
has the order all jumbled. I used to have almost total recall, what's really
called eidetic memory.
ei·det·ic
/īˈdetik/
adjective
Relating to or denoting mental images having unusual vividness
and detail, as if actually visible.
Some
popculture examples being: Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper (Big Bang Theory), Dr.
Spencer Reid (Criminal Minds), Shawn Spencer (Psych), Olivia
Dunham (Fringe), Mozzie (White Collar), Brick Heck (The
Middle), Charlie Andrews (Heroes), Mike Ross (Suits), Lisabeth
Salander (Larsson's Millenium Triology), and Will Hunting (Good Will
Hunting).
Although my memory wasn't truly eidetic like Reid's I did very well
in high school without studying. I didn't need to. If I paid attention in class
and did the assignments, I was golden. I remembered images and although the
pictures may not have been perfect, they were pretty clear. Now
it's a lot harder and I have very little control over what I remember. It seems
like the things I recall best are really random bits I'm probably never going
to need or the things I'd rather forget. The pictures are gone and it's
like trying to look at a photo album in an unventilated room with a smoke
machine.
When
catching up with friends I often start off by asking "Did I tell you
about...?" to save them from the awkwardness that comes with deciding
whether or not they should tell me this conversation has already
happened.
Lupus.org
refers to this phenomenon as lupus fog.
"The term "lupus fog" is almost universally
known to people with lupus. The phrase reflects the difficulty that you may
have in completing once-familiar tasks, such as remembering names and dates,
keeping appointments, balancing your checkbook, or processing your thoughts.
Properly termed "cognitive dysfunction" or "cognitive
impairment," this inability to recall information can be extremely
frustrating. These symptoms may come and go, but may also be continuous, making
school or work difficult or even impossible in extreme cases. People with both
lupus and fibromyalgia are even more likely to experience cognitive problems."
I
was prescribed a stimulant a few months ago and I have found it helpful. It
allows me to focus which I definitely appreciate and I believe it has also
helped my short term memory. But the long-term stuff that's gone will probably
stay gone. There's no quick fix or magic pill. Not for Lupus. Not in life.
Where would the fun be in that? ;)
Salud!
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